One Thirty-Nine... (is not the time)

O Lord, you have searched me and you know me.
You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar.
You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways.
Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely, O Lord.
You hem me in -- behind and before; you have laid your hand upon me.
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain.
Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?
If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right will hold me fast.
If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me," even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you.
For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mothers womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.
How precious to me are your thoughts, O God!
How vast the sum of them!
Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand.
When I awake, I am still with you.
If only you would slay the wicked, O God!
Away from me, you bloodthirsty men!
They speak of you with evil intent; your adversaries misuse your name.
Do I not hate those who hate you, O Lord, and abhor those who rise up against you?
I have nothing but hatred for them; I count them my enemies.
Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts.
See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.

Psalm 139.

Two.

This is the story of two. Or at least a part of the story of two. Anything left out of the story pre-dating the time period for this story should be considered important, but not to be focused upon for our purposes. This really is quite the story. Let us jump right in. We pick up the story here:

"Two began walking. Two doesn't realize at first what is happening. Two just begins walking (two already said that). Two doesn't know where two is heading. But two knows that two is not in control. Because… One is. Two takes step after step. Two follows the path laid out for two. Two sees many exciting things along the way – though not always happy with what two is seeing, everything is exciting. The path twists and bends. At times, two feels as though two has been down this road before – seen this sight before. But two keeps walking, knowing that this is all new for two. Two asks One where One is taking two? One asks two to simply keep walking and believe that One knows what One is doing. With every step, two has a choice to make: two can keep walking or turn and leave the path. It's two's choice. And with every step into the unknown, two feels more and more excited for where this path is leading two.

Along the path, two comes to various bridges marked with words telling two where two is. Every bridge means something new for two. The first bridge reads: Friendship. This bridge came very early on for two. Two likes where the path takes two after walking across Friendship Bridge. Many questions fill two's mind after crossing this first bridge. Good questions. Questions that help two figure out who two is. Two learns a lot.

The next bridge that two comes to reads: Trust. Two walks hesitantly across Trust Bridge. Two is sure that two has been here before and quite often it ended in some sort of pain for two. But two is trying to honor One's word to keep walking. Two keeps walking. Nothing bad is happening this time for two. Yes, two keeps walking! Two picks up a little speed. Two is trusting. The view along this path is absolutely beautiful – and getting more and more beautiful with each step. All the loveliest looking and smelling flowers lie near the path. Two smiles. Two slows a little to take it all in and realizes that perhaps two was rushing a bit too much. "Slow down two, no need to rush," whispers One to two.

Two approaches the next bridge. Two reads the word: Affection. At least a part of two feels a little nervous at Affection Bridge. Two feels like two's been here too. Two is careful with two's steps. Two doesn't want to mess anything up after this bridge. Two is still excited for what One is doing. Two asks One for help with where to step after this last bridge? Two could easily step off the path – looking around two sees many easy-offs. Two thinks some of them look very fun and exhilarating. But One encourages two to keep walking down the path two is on. One promises something more amazing than anything two is seeing along the path right now. Two remains careful to stay focused. Two still wants to honor One, even if some of these easy-offs do look fun.

Two has made it to the next bridge: Unlocked. Two doesn't completely understand this bridge just yet. And come to think of it, two doesn't think the bridge looks very safe to walk over. Two realizes that two must rely on trust with this bridge. Unlocked Bridge wasn't easy to cross. Two must really search deep within who two is after crossing this bridge. Two finds out some new things about two. Some things aren't real fun. But two knows two must keep walking. Two asks One for lots of help with where to go. Although two has discovered some things two didn't like, two also found out some things about two that two really liked. Really really liked! Two is doing just fine. Two keeps walking where One asks two to walk. Nice job, two! "Good thing for Trust Bridge", two thinks to twoself.

Here comes the next bridge for two to cross: Serving. Two must use what One has done already in two's walk to bless others. Not too difficult. But two still asks One for help on where and how to step after this bridge. It isn't always easy for two to look beyond twoself. But two must serve others with who two has become.

One stops two along the path and says to two, "Two, look where you have been. Look where I have taken you so far. You are doing so well. You have really grown this time, two. I am very proud of you. Keep stepping where I ask you to step and you'll continue on this marvelous little journey. I am here for you, two."

Once two begins walking again, the next bridge arrives quickly, but by no means hastily: Love. After the words of encouragement from One, two is ready for this bridge. Two recognizes Love Bridge. But this time around, two thinks it looks a little different. And with good reason. In the past, two tried to make it to this bridge before many of the others – skipping the other bridges, doing whatever two could to make it here as fast as two could. Two would succeed in making it here, but it never seemed to work out. Two had been hurt many times before on this path. But for some reason, and because of the word just spoken by One, two is not scared. Two crosses Love Bridge. The beauty surrounding two is absolutely breathtaking. Yes, things are definitely different this time around. And two is beside-twoself joyous! Two stops for a moment to whisper a "thank you," to One for bringing two this far. Two knows that two couldn't have done it without One. Two walks this path for awhile.

Finally, two is approaching the next bridge: Commitment. Two is so excited now. This is a big bridge to cross. Two can barely see across. But after seeing where two's been, and knowing that One is there beside two, two presses on and crosses the long Commitment Bridge. Two understands the meaning of this bridge – that there is no turning back. And two is excited. Ecstatic! As two makes the final steps to finish this bridge, the deepest, purest feeling of peace finds its way into two. Two is at rest in what One has done in two. Two simply smiles. What else is there for two to do? Two hears clapping and, looking around, realizes where the clapping is coming from: One. One is clapping two on. Cheering on two in all that two has done and where two has been. The clapping drowns out all else. And it makes two all the happier. Knowing that One is near.

Two is still walking. But it isn't long now. Not long before all that two has become will be, in a single, final bridge, fully made known. This final bridge needs more than a single word. One word could not fully express all that this bridge will mean for two. The bridge reads: Joining-Crescendo. Simply the thought of this bridge gives two goosebumps. In one final crossing, two becomes something new. Two will be made new, shown new. Two will even be given a new name. Two enters onto this final bridge not looking back. Everything has been pointing to this final bridge from the start. The moment… when… two… becomes one! Exhilarating! Following every other bridge two has crossed, this bridge is beyond words incredible. One looks on from where One is as One's creation, this being two, has become one. One cannot help but smile. All along, One had been planning this for two. One knew it would happen. One simply waited for the day when two let One have the pen and paper. And once that happened, there was no turning back for two, who is now one. This is the journey of two. This is the journey of two becoming one.

The End… of two

The Beginning… of one."

A (Touchy-Feely) Love Story

I am about to open a page of my journal for you to read. I have never shared anything from my journal before. This is a huge step for me.
Journal entry: 1/12/09
"Dear Papa,
Well, I am back home, to Big Rapids. The move went smoothly. The last day was a little stressful, but everything got finished that needed to be finished. It has been nice being home. Done some fun things with family -- drove to Detroit over the weekend, played some intense Wii! The girls and I have reconnected very well -- lots of joking. I've had some good talks with my parents, mostly during the drive to Detroit or to the Auto Parts Store. Mom and Dad bought a little 4x4 a couple weeks ago, which we took to Detroit during a blizzard they were having. On the drive home, we almost got lost taking some backroads, but ended up making an adventure out of it. We stumbled across some unused, snow-covered roads where the little 4x4 could be unleashed! It was incredible. Knuckles white, gripping the steering wheel with everything in me, I pushed those 4-powered tires to the max, as the road winded and dipped all about. It was so exciting -- the sorta thing this lifeless shell needed to feel.
I've been thinking a lot lately about the senses. Thinking about how much a new-born baby has to learn through their senses. Before they can talk, walk, or put together logical thoughts, they experience. They need to see, feel, hear, taste, and smell! I love watching a baby play with its tiny feet. The most simple form of experiential adventure any person ever may have. If we could ask a baby what love is -- again before they have developed logical thought and reason -- I think after perhaps staring at us for a moment, he would go back to playing with his little toes. They experience love. Tell a baby how much you "love them" and it means nothing yet to them. Hold her small body close to your own, allowing your warmth to transfer to hers, and she has been loved. Get down on the floor with her, playing with her, and she has been loved.
The greatest act of love ever recorded in all of our history books was one simple act too. And very much it was experienced. Jesus' body felt intense physical pain; the onlookers felt emotional pain (at least those close to Him); they saw the blood, the nails pounded, the Savior hanging; the smell of lingering death, blood, sweat, and salt from anguished tears; the taste of those tears rolling over the lips, then licked by the tongue; the sound of yelling Roman Soldiers, screaming and sobbing loved ones, the nails, the words coming from the very mouth of a deserted God, the thunder rolling in from the west off the nearby sea. The whole thing one big, senses-filled act of love!"
And now additional thoughts.
Jesus prayed in John 17:23, shortly before His greatest act of love: "May they be brought to complete unity to let the world know that you sent me and have loved them even as you have loved me." And in vs. 26, "I have made you known to them, and will continue to make you known in order that the love you have for me may be in them and that I myself may be in them." 1 John 3:18 says this: "Dear children, let us not love with words or tongue but with actions and in truth." Love needs to be experienced.
There is so much brokenness in our world. So much hurt. Fathers leaving their wives and kids to fend for themselves. He is overwhelmed with the responsibilities and running from his problems. Mothers running off to new lovers. She feels the man she married 20-years ago has stopped looking at her the same as when they spent that passionate honeymoon together.
Our churches are just as broken and hurting. An entire generation turning its collect back on being the Body of Christ. They are running after their own gods -- the gods of their minds and feelings. Those holding out inside the building have forgotten the reason they went in the first place. They are running after their gods too -- the gods of money, structure, human leadership and ability.
Jesus had this to say to the Church of Ephesus, as recorded by John in Revelation 2:1-4, "These are the words of him who holds the seven stars in his right hand and walks among the seven golden lampstands: I know your deeds, your hard work and your perseverance. I know that you cannot tolerate wicked men, that you have tested those who claim to be apostles but are not, and have found them false. You have persevered and have endured hardships for my name, and have not grown weary. Yet I hold this against you: You have forsaken your first love." How can that be? How can they have so many things right -- good deeds, testing of falsehoods, enduring hardships -- but be told you have forgotten the reason for it all? That you have forsaken and forgotten your first LOVE? Is that even possible?
And here is my question: How do we fall in love, once again, with our "first love?" We have gone off, trying ourselves with other "lovers," and He just waits. But not forever. When will we stop whoring ourselves out to other "lovers?" When will we finally come home? When will we learn to love with our senses? When will we get down on the floor with God and just experience Him -- with our eyes, ears, tongue, nose, and skin? When will we see how much He wants us and how much we need Him? When will His act of love finally break through my crusty exterior and really sink in? When will I stop typing on this keyboard and go love on some people?
Just some random thoughts...

Forgive Me

Forgive Me
By: Group 1 Crew
If my soul could speak... these are the words it would say...

Father, I'm going through some heavy things
It seems like this world ain't getting any better
The more we try to get closer to You
The farther we run from Your throne

I've spent so many nights wonderin' when will it end
When will the day come when happiness begins
I'm running the race but it seems too hard to win
I'm sick of mourning my stomach is throwing up in the morning

I'm calling for help and watching it melt away
My heart's been put on display and put away
In many ways, many times I told myself it was ok
And anger was the price that was paid
While these faded dreams just screamed to bring them home

The burden was too heavy I kept running from the throne
I can't take it any longer
I can taste my spirit hunger
God please help me get home

[Chorus:]
Lord though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death
I'm not scared cause You're holding my breath
I only fear that I don't have enough time left
To tell the world that there's no time left, Lord please
Lord though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death
I'm not scared cause You're holding my breath
I only fear that I don't have enough time left
To tell the world that there's no time left

I've come to terms that I'm burning both sides of the rope
And I'm hoping that self-control would kick in before I'm choking off
The sin that be destroying every fiber I got
I need the Lord in every way I'll never make it I'm not
Going back to the way I was before Christ in my life
I couldn't do it I would lose it there's no point to the fight
And I'm writing this song, for the people who don't belong
I pray away the pain you feel from all the things that went wrong
Inside a life that's filled with anger and disappointment
Cause daddy treated you weaker than all of the other kids
It's annoying and I feel for all of you who wanna give up
You feel stuck I feel the same way Lord help us stay up
You couldn't pay me to abandon the idea of true hope
That I could make it through this life into a place where there's no crying
I'm dying to find You with open arms when I go
Knowing You love me and You waiting to give rest to my soul

Lord I don't know what I'm struggling for
There's got to be more
Than this life I know
But still I'm here fighting to never give up
I find strength in Your love
And You will see me through

Dick Clark Eating Wheaties...

Hey hey...
I am still here. Things have just been insane. I will have to fill you in later, but believe me when I say I just have been busy and writing a blog has been low on my "to-do" list.
But Happy New Year!
I am so excited for what God has going on this year. There will be rainy days and blue-sky days. People may come and people may go, but God is forever, yo! No, but really I am looking forward to all that is already set out for the year. New adventures will be had. Places never before seen by Nat's eyes will be discovered. And I will learn new things about relationships and love and sacrifice and trust and and and... I guess I am just ready! Ready for a new year. And ready for a new day. We only get "new years" once a year; but everyday we get a "new day." Imagine if we treated each morning with the same wonder and excitement surrounding New Years. I don't mean the parties, sparkling grape juice, midnight kisses, and Dick Clark. I am talking the wonder of the new. We feed off new -- eating it for breakfast like a bowl of Wheaties! And yet we're given a "new" each morning. Let's make each "new" a good one and strive to honor God each and every day!
I wish you the best "new" ever!
Happy New Year... Day... Hour... Minute... Second... Breath!
Much Love,
Nat