Some People Only See In Black And White

Back in Michigan for the weekend.
Family reunion.
History lessons.
And this sweet adventure in my grandma's backyard.
Everything really does look better in black and white!


P.S. The old car you see is a 1940 Pontiac Coupe. Belongs to my dad. Perhaps someday he and I will restore it together.

Gideon's $1.29

Judges 7.
Gideon defeats the Midianites.
If you get the opportunity, read that chapter. It is fascinating. Gideon is fascinating. And even more fascinating is God in this story. The way He strips down the comfort of Israel. Israel had grown to find much safety in her armies. Since their exodus from Egypt, God had been mustering her armies for battle many times before. If God fought with them, they won. If God was not with them, they lost. And ran. And hid. And were taken captive. And plundered.
But on this occasion, God has called Israel to do battle with the Midianites. And there is a catch of sorts...
vs. 2 says: "The LORD said to Gideon, 'You have too many men for me to deliver Midian into their hands. In order that Israel may not boast against me that her own strength has saved her, announce now to the people, "Anyone who trembles with fear may turn back and leave Mount Gilead."' So twenty-two thousand men left, while ten thousand remained."
Once more, the LORD said there were too many men for Him to deliver Israel. And so again, the LORD sifts the army and this time...
vs. 7 says: "With the three hundred men that lapped I will save you and give the Midianites into your hands."
32000 men. Gideon's army.
300 men. God's army.
God sifts. God whittles. God removes the obvious comfort of having 32000 men armed and ready for battle. And God knew, knowing the heart of men for which He created, that a defeat with that many men would have meant Israel seeing her own glory. And so, God being the jealous God that He is, removes any chance that Israel can look to herself anymore. He wanted the glory for Himself. He is God, after all. He is more than worthy of all glory. Glory was created for Him and Him alone.
Here is my story. I left my job as the Youth Director at Trinity Reformed Church last December. I left with my 2001 Saturn wagon (which I still owed money on). With less than $2000 in my savings (in March, I had to pay a $950 car insurance payment). And with the need to do some healing.
Eventually, I ended up in Duluth, MN. By this time, I had $800 to my name. This was in April. (Now mind you, I still have that annoying car payment each month. I have been trying to sell that vehicle since April.) I settled into the school bus and began searching the city for a job. Any job. Just something to help put food on the table and gas in the car. The job never came. I had found one, at The Edgewater Hotel and Resort as a housekeeper, but the Lymes Disease I had back in June prevented that from working out. I have applied to restaurants, hotels, retail stores, group homes, etc. Nothing. I have had a few interviews. But nothing has worked out.
I sit here, August 12th, and have yet to find work here in Duluth. And my time is drawing to a close. God has been whittling down my comfort. He has been sifting. I have tried to be responsible with the money I had this year. I have bought nothing frivolous. I have taken my girlfriend out to eat a few times and we've been to a few movies. I bought wood stain for my growing carving passion. I bought a new basketball. I have filled my gas tank just enough times to get by. I have kept just enough food around to survive off (in addition my girlfriend has helped tremendously in this area -- so a big thank you to her). And that is it. Besides the car payment. Having just written out my check for August's car payment, and making sure my checking account had enough to cover that cost, I will have $1.29 remaining to my name. By the goodness of my parents, I do have $42 in my wallet for gas for making it back to Iowa soon. A trip I will have to make, as a job may have come available down there. But there it is. If you would like to rob me, you now know how much I would be able to offer you.
I understand a huge difference resides between the importance of Gideon's story and my own. One deals with the safety of a nation. And God's glory through her. The other story deals with one man's trying to survive. One very small man. And God's glory through his story. God loves that one small man. And I used Gideon's story to begin, only because in a much smaller way, I too have had my comfort and safety sifted. Whittled. And God wants me to trust Him. With whatever I have left. And so I must. Even if I must walk everywhere. And eat wild berries from the side of the road. And pee in the woods (which I had been doing while living on the bus). I will strive to trust.
It is one of my biggest weaknesses right now. Trusting. I have been awful at it. And that may well be why God keeps whittling. Why my funds are being sifted. Because they do not belong to me. They never did. They have always been His. And He wants me to understand that and trust Him, to which they belong. He can do whatever He may please.
He still deserves the glory. He must have it. No matter what we do. God is glorified. It is the joy of the LORD that His creation should bring Him glory. He doesn't need it from us. He is awesome, incredible, perfect, loving, compassionate, good, and a host of other words which fail to all-encompass Him. But I want Him to be glorified through my little life. My small existence. If I am not, God will simply get it from somewhere else. For He may cause the very rocks to cry out His name!
Amen.
There it is. Gideon's $1.29.

Bye Bye Blue Bird

Moving day.
After 3 months, to the day, in the bus, I am moving on.
At least for right now, a friend is letting me crash at his apartment. On his couch. Not far from his lizard, Wadi. The thing has a wicked tail with spikes. Yikes!
I cannot believe that I am leaving the bus already. I will miss it greatly. But I am excited for what is next. Whatever that may be.
Oh, one of the issues here in Duluth has been trying to find a job. I have applied all over the city and over the 3 months nothing much has happened. The one job I thought I had, began right as I had a fight with Lyme's Disease and was unsure how long the healing process would take.
But...
I have an interview this coming Monday at a group home for mentally challenged adults called, Our Place. I believe they are looking for a live-in. Someone who lives on-site and works on-call throughout the night. They provide housing, food, and a small monthly stipend. It would be great if this works out. Please pray that it does.
Next Tuesday, I will be heading to Fern, IA, to house sit for my parents while they are in New Orleans picking up my sister.
Just wanted to offer a quick update on my journey. I have much more to write, but it will have to wait a little. I had started a long blog a few days ago regarding a fun week and weekend trip Jenna and I had, but have not been able to finish it. Soon hopefully.
Thanks for reading.
Talk soon.

Who Is That Faceless Man?

What would life be like apart from facebook?
Facebook has been a huge part of my life over the last 3 years. I am glad that facebook does not publicize how much time exactly I have spent on there since my facebook "beginning." I think I might cry. Or perhaps throw my computer into Lake Superior. I don't know.

I remember being so excited to finally have it.
My college didn't have student email addresses. So for a long time I was not able to get it. But in the summer/fall of 2006 all of that changed.
And I was overjoyed. Ecstatic. Now I could be one of the cool "college twentysomethings" that were creating a life on facebook.
At my peak, I had over 600 friends.
Almost 40 photo albums were published.
600 pictures with my face tagged.
Top friends.
Bumper stickers.
I was cool.

"Too much of a good thing is... bad."
And how true that is?! I recently tried to put just a little more water into my bus' water tank. SPLASH! Bad idea. The hose and jug got backed up and water went everywhere. I learned right then and there that "too much of a good thing is... bad."
The same goes for facebook -- and anything on the internet.
I got sucked and duped into the world of "staying connected."
Like for many people, facebook was a second home for me. Whenever I felt alone or like I just needed a friend, there was facebook.
This created so many other problems for me. Depression. Frustration. Real loneliness.
Oh, how many late nights I spent wishing someone would get on to talk to.
How I would think about facebook all day long. Wondering what my friends were upto.
Looking at all the photos of fun that people were involved in and wishing I was included. Commenting on those photos just to let people know I was there.
Making groups to see how many people I could round up -- then staking my existence on the success of the group. I remember how excited I was when one of my groups -- Yeah! I'm A Hopeless Romantic -- reached 5000 people. I am a success. People love me. Yea!

Facebook is too easy.
Connection with people we care about shouldn't be this easy.
We should have to work.

So I am about to try again.
To try again to live life without facebook.
I wonder what it will be like?

Walking Against the 7-Grain Bread.

Grain.
I carved a boat today.
Took me five hours.
First 3-dimensional object I've carved.
It was relaxing. Encouraged me to get outside. Breathe some fresh air. Use my hands.
Cut my finger really badly though.
That hurt.
I was sitting down by Lake Superior, on a rock jutting out into the water when my hand slipped and the blade sliced through my flesh like butter.
One of those learning curves. Whatever that means.

Have you ever carved wood before? Or chopped wood? Have you ever seen the lines running through a piece of wood? Grain. It is where we get our cliche: "Going against the grain." You would not understand that cliche unless you've ever worked with wood before. Don't try it. Do not go against the grain. Bad things happen. Like cutting off your finger. Or worse... wood fray!

I was thinking about grain today. This was after I ate my 7-grain bread this morning. But my thoughts had nothing to do with my breakfast. I was thinking about how Jesus went against the grain of the culture He had been born into. Everyone was walking in this one direction. They were all running after godliness by their own power. Man, if I do good and pretend to follow this law then I'm set for heaven. Bring on the pearlys! Everyone was trying to make it on their own, thinking they were honoring God. Then Jesus comes and starts walking the other direction. I'm sure at very first people did not take much notice. The dude probably just dropped his wallet back there and wants to find it. Quick, whoever finds this dudes wallet before He does gets a free goat! But it did not take long for this "other direction" to get people's attention. This was completely different. You mean, this guy, Jesus, is actually walking... the other way?! WHOA! "Hey hey, Jesus, you know man, you're walking in the wrong direction buddy! It is this way to God, man!" But Jesus was God-man so He paid no attention. Jesus wanted to show people the perfect way to the Father.
All throughout the history before Jesus' time, God kept showing people who He was. He kept wanting them to see how totally awesome and beyond understanding He was. He wanted to talk to them. But they were too busy building towers reaching to the sky, walls wider than Shaq's feet, and seemed obsessed with swords. But God had meant for them to live IN Him. To draw everything they were from Him. And so to get the message across, once and for all, He inacts the plan He had been making since before the world even came into being ("being" is a big fancy word meaning: God spoke and then there was...). Jesus. His Son. Man's son. "The Word became flesh and moved into the neighborhood." God intrudes. And has a little something-something to say. "All these things you're doing will not save you. I do not care about them. I just want you to know me. To know that it was I who created you. I breathed into your very lungs and gave you My breath. It was I who chose Abraham to father all of you -- and in a way you don't even understand. It was I who spoke with Moses and gave all these laws. Because I wanted you to see that you could not do it without Me. And so I AM here." So Jesus came both in fullness God and fullness man (do not just simply read over the word "fullness," think about what that is saying), to point people in the direction they were supposed to be walking in before. They just didn't know that. And apparently they liked the direction they were walking in (if only they understood that if they turned around, the other side of their face would get a little Son too!).
It's hard carving against the grain. And apparently hard walking against the grain too. But Jesus calls us to follow Him. In the direction He's walking. And that means we must walk against the grain of those around us. It will be hard. Maybe it already has been for you. You constantly have to be watching where you're walking -- where He's walking. Bumping into people is unavoidable. Just a word to that though: Jesus loves it that way! Because you have their attention at that moment and you can tell them why you just bumped into them. And it means that with each step you and those you were walking with before are getting further and further apart. And that may be the hardest part for some people. Having to walk away from those closest -- to follow Jesus, to have fullness of life (there is that word again). There is a cost. For some people, that may just mean losing your finger. But Jesus commands that you follow Him against the grain of the world. He wants to have you as His companion along the journey. He'd even die for that possibility.
Sometimes in wood-carving, it is enivitable that you must work against the grain. And you must. Through the cutting off of fingers and wood fraying. When it is finished, something beautiful appears. God had a similar result. ONLY A GAZILLION TIMES MORE BEAUTIFUL: YOU!
Isn't it fitting that Jesus was most likely a carpenter? I wonder if He had trouble carving against the grain?

Sailing the Passion Waters

Passion.

I grew up in a very loving, Christian home.
My dad was ordained in the Reformed Church of America when I was 11. What an awesome blessing it was to become a pastor's kid at that stage in my life. I had gone through a rough period in my walk shortly before my father's graduation. It was discovered that he had a very rare form of cancer and may not survive through surgery. My dad had left a well-paying job with Ford to follow a calling to ministry and I began to question why God would allow this to happen during his last year of seminary (after all that he had left to follow God's leading).
I became bitter.
God walked us through that period, revealing His grace and love in so many ways.
My heart began to shift.
Back now to being a pastor's kid. My dad served at a small church in the Detroit, MI, area for the next 9 years. It was here that my journey with God was really about to begin.
Thrust into the position of PK was interesting.
People now expected me to be a certain way.
To act a certain way.
To dress a certain way.
To talk a certain way.
I wasn't too thrilled about this. Senior year of high school God really started to reveal Himself to me. I saw finally just how complacent I had become with church and God and my life. I was going through all the "right" motions.
I started to desire His Word. I couldn't put His book down. I had been very lazy and made some poor choices the first three years of high school, but now God was starting to become REAL to me. And everything I was reading about in His Word was contradictory to what I was seeing Sunday mornings, not to mention these strange human "expectations" that were placed on me.
I started to see that God looked at man very differently then our outward appearance -- how we dressed in "His House." I started to see the yoke (the word translated from the greek to mean burden) that "church people" had placed on its people.
This began for me a wonderful time of really seeking His heart for the church. And at the same time, a growing disliking for the church. I wanted out. I felt suffocated. I knew I was experiencing God on a real level outside of the building -- and dreaded going to Sunday morning worship because something was missing. I didn't feel God's presence there. My buddies and I began a guy's Bible study together each week. Again, I was experiencing a realness in that room with those guys that I had never experienced before in church.
Genuineness.
We would pray for each other and talk together.
It wasn't just everyone in a room facing the same direction listening to one person talk.
There was this God-dialogue.
I loved it.
I came to a place in my walk where I had to make a decision: either walk away from the church as we knew it (which I really wanted to do), or figure out if perhaps God had something to share with His church and be a tool to see restoration (a big word for me right now) come to His Bride. I decided to stick it out. And seek it out. I was growing in the faith. And in my passion for seeing the church be restored. Restored to what it was meant to be when Jesus left and built the church on the foundation of Peter and then gave freely the Holy Spirit. I started to see two very different realities: the reality of what man had made of church; and the reality of what I saw God desiring the church to be. And ever since then... I am still seeking, learning, listening, and wanting to see the church restored.
So my heart is for the church.
But more than that my heart is for Yahweh.
To know what it means to be a follower of Him and to do it within a community of other sinners like myself (for this is what the church is about).
Sinners experiencing God's grace together in life and wanting more than anything to share this life with others -- to invite them onto the trampoline (as Rob Bell would say).
I have no other aspiration in life than to love people, love God, and be a blessing. Last summer, while visiting a friend in Idaho, we were sitting around in her living room (my friend, her sister and brother, her mom and myself) talking about life. The sister went around and asked each of us: "If you could do anything with your life, what would it be?" My reply was simply this: "To love people and affect some change." I don't have any great plans for my life. I have lived a life thus far of putting my sail into the wind and letting God take it. That is how I ended up in Duluth.

My Passion.

Interwoven Mysteries.Proclamations.Ramblings.Surrender.

A time is coming, and has now come.
When the people of the church must, as one, stand up from their pews and chairs.
Walk out of their meeting places and start being the people of God.
Not running or hiding from the Holy Spirit.
But welcoming Him and doing His work.
A time is coming, and has now come.
When the people of the church must return to God their Savior.
Knees bent in adoration.
Voices singing the praises of God with heartful-realness.
A time is coming, and has now come.
When the people of the church must begin praying and asking God for power and strength.
To understand what it means to surrender.

It's afternoon now. I read 12 chapters in Acts this morning. Incredible movement. Interwoven persecution, peace, praise. Resistance. Surrender. Holy Spirit. Worthy of disgrace.

I took my first shower in the bus today.
I began by putting 12 gallons of water into the tank just to make sure there would be enough. Shower took all of 3 minutes. Used quarter of the tank. Afterward, I resolved to finally attempt fixing the refrigerator. Used Pastor Mike's drill. Placing hinge in a block of wood, I drill the two holes. It works. So far it is holding. Success. Working with hands. See a problem and resolve and fix. Feels good. Yesterday, I learned how to use drywall anchors. You begin by drilling small hole to check for stud. If no stud exists, proceed by drilling larger hole, just smaller than the shaft of the anchor. Hammer in shaft and screw in screw. Felt good. Learning by experience. Making mistakes.

Learning what Jesus meant by "take up your cross daily and follow me." Each and every morning is a fresh start -- a new chance to honor or hurt Yahweh-Savior.
Every morning, afternoon, evening is a decision to change the course of your life.
Cannot make the right decision without God's help.
Romans 7.
Need to surrender every day to Christ's power and work. Failure to do this results in guilt. Pain. Doubts. Pride. Selfishness. Boastfulness. God-dishonoring behavior. Every moment we either pull the trigger to our old-self or succumb to its puppy-dog eyes. But this puppy has a nasty, deadly bite.
Bad dog.

Life is returning to this lifeless body. "Though I was once dead in my sin, I am now made alive in Christ through His sacrifice once for all on the cross." Reading through Acts this morning, I was struck by how whenever an apostle would give testimony to the gospel of Christ -- everything He was and did -- they all began with stories from the old testament. Abraham, Isaac, Jacob, Joseph, Moses, David, etc. Drawing the bigger picture of everything God did and was doing in their own time. The story of faith did not begin when Jesus walked the earth, but began "in the beginning." "For from the beginning all things were created by Him and for Him."
Colossians 1:15-23.
Leaving now. Needing to step outside and feel the sun.

This is an entry from my journal today. Thought I would share what was written. Thanks for reading.

Blue Bird Nestled.

This is my home.
This is where I rest my head and the first thing I see when I wake up.
I am all moved in. Everything I own in the back of my Saturn station wagon. It feels good.
A new city. A fresh start. A cool pad.
Living in a bus.
Blue. Bird. Bus.
I am excited for the adventure that will be Duluth, MN. It is such a pretty city. Built into the side of a mountain, overlooking Lake Superior. I had never paid much attention. But now, like a paper cut to the finger, I know it exists. And I am learning what it is about.
I am beginning the awesome process of making friends with various ministry people here. I want to know what God is doing here already.
Then join Him there.
As Brandon Heath sings: "Give me your eyes..." so I want to see people of this city through the kind, loving eyes of our Great King!
I do not have much to give Him. Not much money left in my pockets. No degrees or great skills. Just me. And "me" brings along with him his passion for understanding God's heart for the world, church, creation. I am a simple person. I need very little. So my new home is perfect.
Please pray that God opens abundant doors into this vast city.
Duluth is:
College town.
Tourist Trap.
Ghetto Gateway.
Industrial.
As one pastor who I have spoken to has already said: "this city is hard soil for the gospel."
Yet others have said: "God is clearly moving in this city."
Thanks for reading.
I am home.
I am living on a bus.

Traffic Lights. Sleeping Pills. Vacations for the Mind.

It's been too long. I have slipped from my writing. Life has been interesting these past few weeks and months. I headed home after leaving my position as a youth pastor in Holland. I love my family very much. And it was a welcome reprieve from things going on at the church. Although not easy to live at home after living on your own for two years, I have managed. It's been fun reestablishing some bonds with my two younger sisters. We have a lot of laughs. And I've had opportunities for some good discussions with my parents. Again, a welcome after some of the stresses I endured at the church. Just having people around is a huge welcome. Because the loneliness in Holland became unbearable. I felt like a lone traffic light in a deserted rural town. Still blinking away and performing my task, but to no avail as no one was around to enjoy it. All I wanted was to have one person, one car, drive up and see my red light and stop for just a moment -- just long enough to watch me do my thing and turn to green: wonderful, splendid green!
So as I sit here, I feel I have forgotten how to write. Writing is surely an art form. Of this I am sure. It is something you must do and do again. You must perfect your own style. As an NBA player shoots free-throw after free-throw, practicing the most unnerving shot in basketball, so a writer must type key after key in conveying what he or she wants said. And I have not been to my gym-keyboard in a long time. And I don't even feel my mind has been very helpful in this as of late. But I have been singing to a different tune since moving home. My thoughts have not been so focused. I have not been stretching myself in this time off. I needed the emotional break. But my mind has taken a sort of vacation as well. Not so welcome. A person needs to be pushed. Our mind needs exercise just like a body. And after having been bedridden for too long, a person is slow in regaining lost muscle movement and strength. The same, I feel, is true for the mind. I have been blessed with a beautiful mind. I say this, not to brag, but as a matter-of-fact in regards to my Master's creation. For I am created. And I am created with a mind made to think and process and solve. But lately it has just wanted to sleep.
Time to WAKE UP!

Dick Clark Eating Wheaties...

Hey hey...
I am still here. Things have just been insane. I will have to fill you in later, but believe me when I say I just have been busy and writing a blog has been low on my "to-do" list.
But Happy New Year!
I am so excited for what God has going on this year. There will be rainy days and blue-sky days. People may come and people may go, but God is forever, yo! No, but really I am looking forward to all that is already set out for the year. New adventures will be had. Places never before seen by Nat's eyes will be discovered. And I will learn new things about relationships and love and sacrifice and trust and and and... I guess I am just ready! Ready for a new year. And ready for a new day. We only get "new years" once a year; but everyday we get a "new day." Imagine if we treated each morning with the same wonder and excitement surrounding New Years. I don't mean the parties, sparkling grape juice, midnight kisses, and Dick Clark. I am talking the wonder of the new. We feed off new -- eating it for breakfast like a bowl of Wheaties! And yet we're given a "new" each morning. Let's make each "new" a good one and strive to honor God each and every day!
I wish you the best "new" ever!
Happy New Year... Day... Hour... Minute... Second... Breath!
Much Love,
Nat

Sand Castles and Department Stores

I need you.
Yes you.
I need you to be bringing somethings before the Lord for me. I have some big decisions that are being made right now. And I just need support. Prayer support. I need wisdom and boldness and peace. Oh, how I want peace. Godly peace. And I want to have joy again. To breathe, knowing that every breath is possible because God Himself breathed into the man the "breath of life." And I want sure footing. I guess I thought my house was being built on cement. The contractor called me a few months ago to inform me that there was "a large quantity of sand" found beneath where my house was being built. The cement crumbled away. The house caved in. It's not even lakefront property. WHERE DID THE SAND COME FROM?
I feel like the little child lost in a department store wondering how he got lost. "They were right there a second ago -- I just turned around for a moment to push the 'Try Me' on the cool firetruck with real firetruck sounds and they are gone." Oh the sinking feeling that brings with it. Your heart begins to race. Your head spins. The volume of sounds around you gets turned to it's highest setting. My Papa wants me to learn something from all of this. He is asking me to trust Him.
I have to make a decision on a big issue in my life. It feels like when I most need His voice, He remains silent. But I need to make the decision. Then honor God through it. That is part of what I am learning. God does not always function by telling us to "go here" or "do this." He is smarter than that. You do not learn much from being always told what to do. God waits for my decision and then wants to see how I bring Him glory through it. That is all He cares about. That I bring Him glory! And I want to. I want to so much.
My walk the last few months has been strangled. My joy is hardpressed to be seen. I have pushed some of my best friends away. And I have been left feeling the deepest loneliness I have ever known. There is so much going on inside my head. And my emotions have been similar to a golf ball if I ever attempted to play the sport -- let's just say shouting the word "FORE" in golf was created just for me.
God has so much work to do on me. And I... I... just need to allow the time to allow God to do that work undone in me.
If things go unchanged. I do not know how much longer I can make it.
I am just trying to be real right now. Sorry for all the emotional jibjab.
I just ask that you be praying. Go before our Great God and Father on my behalf. Please. Thank you for reading and listening and praying. I wish I could give you a hug right now... ok, I admit, that was just creepy... :)

Birthday Thanks...

So today is my birthday. I will be 22-years old as of 7:43pm. This is not a big jump. Nothing like at 13 (no more trying to be cool like a teenager, now you are one), 16 ("sixteen candles...."), 18 (officially legal to buy cigarettes, lotto tickets, make it into any movie, and by default earn the title "adult"), or 21 (well, we all know what comes with this one...). 22 is just a new age. But I really want to thank those of you who are helping to make the day a celebration.
Later today, I get to hang out with some really cool people. I'll be going to the Hope Homecoming football game and the dance following. I guess I was asked to the dance by 4 ladies. So I'll be their male escourt. Woooohooo! But I just wanted to thank you for helping to make this day special. Every new age of a person's life is a new opportunity for God to grow you in wisdom and gray hairs. And I do want wisdom. I look forward to wisdom. To gaining wisdom. The Bible talks about the wisdom of a person quite often. It even becomes personified in Proverbs. I know that things have been a little rough lately. But I do appreciate what you're doing. And I know this day will be whatever I allow it to be.

Thank you, Father, for blessing me with 22-years on this earth. Thank you for blessing me with people who care enough to go out of their way to do something nice for me. And I ask you Father that you would give me joy again. I just want your joy again. Amen-