Would You Read This If The Title Intrigued You?

September 20.
11:00am.
Pleasant Valley Reformed Church.
The date, time, and place. A big moment for me. I have felt many convictions regarding Christ's Church for many years.

It was right here. In this very spot. On the couch in my basement apartment at my parent's home. I was probably on HSA, checking out people's profiles or responding to a message. My dad walked down the stairs (his footfalls against the carpeted steps acting like the peek hole through a door, into which announces the presence of the person approaching) and asked to come into my room. His words would change my thoughts for the evening -- and my thoughts for the looming days ahead. He began: "People are getting excited." I was confused. What people? And why are they excited? Did gas prices come down again today? That would be exciting, indeed! He continued, "I sort of mentioned to a couple people your thoughts about youth group and church and they are getting really excited. They want to hear your thoughts directly. They have asked to have you come speak with them about this idea." Ummmm... errrrr... *cheesy grin.* I couldn't help but smile. I tried not to. This was all happening so very fast. Maybe too fast, but that has yet to be determined.

What my father was referring to, was a conversation he, my mother, and I had had the night before. They had asked if I would be willing to help with the youth group at his church. I hesitated with that. I had my face kicked in at the last church I served at in youth ministry. Undoubtedly, I have grown timid of the idea of returning to such position. And there remained something else... something I couldn't quite squeeze from between my lips. I wanted to say what I was thinking but felt scared. An emotion I have come to know all too well as of late. See, my time at Trinity Reformed Church last year was a time of trials mixed with triumphs. I have never been so pushed in all my life. Many questions developed over the 15-months in my white brick, book-filled office. What is this all about? Are we being effective? Page upon page worth of questions.

When my father confronted me with the question of helping with the youth group, many memories came rushing back into my head. All the questions returned. All the evening walks around Holland -- wandering alone, walking hand-in-hand with my thoughts -- flashed like lighting somewhere deep in my mind. Oh Lord, would I have it in me again? Do I have the passion for just one age group of church goers? That nagging "something" that I spoke of earlier began to rise to the surface. "I... uh... don't know that I can do that anymore. I don't know what to say to them anymore." This was the best that I could mutter. I knew there was more. After a moment of silence, I proceeded to wring from my soul what I was feeling. "I don't know that I agree with separating youth from the rest of the church. I think there is more we can do." There, I said it. And I meant it. I felt a bit embarrassed doing so. My dad has been so elated about a youth ministry at the small, country church. I was worried I would look up from the ground and see him holding a hand over his chest, and see a grimaced look on his bearded face from the gun shot wound I had just inflicted. But alas, no gun shot rang out. Instead, there was an intrigued look on both my parent's faces. So I continued. "I believe that ministry -- life in Christ is what I really mean by that word -- could better happen across the ages. Grandparents, parents, twentysomethings, teens, and children all engaged in a time of God-centered, heartfelt worship. Worship in the form of relating, of struggling, of honesty. Grandparents sharing their wisdom from years of trials and joys. Parents sitting down with their children and relating personally the realness of God in their lives. Children engaged in listening to the God-stories, soaking up the realness of God and active members in the life in Christ. No separation. No sunday school teachers or youth pastors relaying the message which should come from their parents and families." (That is a paraphrase of all I spoke.) There is yet more to my thoughts, but that best describes the main point of the discussion.

Next always in this discussion, comes the questions. People have questions for this idea. We have operated as a church for so many generations with one way of thinking: The church is responsible for the spiritual health of my family and will speak the utterances of God directly to each in the safety of their peer group. We'll call it sunday school because we're educating our kids in the way of God. We will search high and low for the most hip, current teaching curriculum and let that be our guide for our kids understanding of God. We'll prod them to attend youth group each week because they will come back on fire for God (that youth pastor dude seems so in touch with those kids and only he can truly teach them about who God is in their life). But I believe this has been a sad mistake on the part of the church. People are so incredibly disconnected from a life lived with other believers in Christ! We have shot ourselves in the chest. Despite all my "shooting" talk, I really am not a violent person. Families are falling apart. And God is no longer glorified. The latter must be the bigger sadness. We are not living in a right understanding of who God is. We do not seem interested in drawing each breath from Him. For many, their "walk with Christ" is limited to a Sunday morning service from either a bare-wood pew or a padded chair.

And so... the lingering question illuminating from my soul the past few years has been this: What if there could be more? More to the God we serve? More to our life in His Spirit? More to our life with other believers?

What if?

For right now, I will leave you with that question.

And the importance of September 20? It will be my first opportunity to share these thoughts with a group of people. Please pray I am able to speak clearly and passionately.

Gideon's $1.29

Judges 7.
Gideon defeats the Midianites.
If you get the opportunity, read that chapter. It is fascinating. Gideon is fascinating. And even more fascinating is God in this story. The way He strips down the comfort of Israel. Israel had grown to find much safety in her armies. Since their exodus from Egypt, God had been mustering her armies for battle many times before. If God fought with them, they won. If God was not with them, they lost. And ran. And hid. And were taken captive. And plundered.
But on this occasion, God has called Israel to do battle with the Midianites. And there is a catch of sorts...
vs. 2 says: "The LORD said to Gideon, 'You have too many men for me to deliver Midian into their hands. In order that Israel may not boast against me that her own strength has saved her, announce now to the people, "Anyone who trembles with fear may turn back and leave Mount Gilead."' So twenty-two thousand men left, while ten thousand remained."
Once more, the LORD said there were too many men for Him to deliver Israel. And so again, the LORD sifts the army and this time...
vs. 7 says: "With the three hundred men that lapped I will save you and give the Midianites into your hands."
32000 men. Gideon's army.
300 men. God's army.
God sifts. God whittles. God removes the obvious comfort of having 32000 men armed and ready for battle. And God knew, knowing the heart of men for which He created, that a defeat with that many men would have meant Israel seeing her own glory. And so, God being the jealous God that He is, removes any chance that Israel can look to herself anymore. He wanted the glory for Himself. He is God, after all. He is more than worthy of all glory. Glory was created for Him and Him alone.
Here is my story. I left my job as the Youth Director at Trinity Reformed Church last December. I left with my 2001 Saturn wagon (which I still owed money on). With less than $2000 in my savings (in March, I had to pay a $950 car insurance payment). And with the need to do some healing.
Eventually, I ended up in Duluth, MN. By this time, I had $800 to my name. This was in April. (Now mind you, I still have that annoying car payment each month. I have been trying to sell that vehicle since April.) I settled into the school bus and began searching the city for a job. Any job. Just something to help put food on the table and gas in the car. The job never came. I had found one, at The Edgewater Hotel and Resort as a housekeeper, but the Lymes Disease I had back in June prevented that from working out. I have applied to restaurants, hotels, retail stores, group homes, etc. Nothing. I have had a few interviews. But nothing has worked out.
I sit here, August 12th, and have yet to find work here in Duluth. And my time is drawing to a close. God has been whittling down my comfort. He has been sifting. I have tried to be responsible with the money I had this year. I have bought nothing frivolous. I have taken my girlfriend out to eat a few times and we've been to a few movies. I bought wood stain for my growing carving passion. I bought a new basketball. I have filled my gas tank just enough times to get by. I have kept just enough food around to survive off (in addition my girlfriend has helped tremendously in this area -- so a big thank you to her). And that is it. Besides the car payment. Having just written out my check for August's car payment, and making sure my checking account had enough to cover that cost, I will have $1.29 remaining to my name. By the goodness of my parents, I do have $42 in my wallet for gas for making it back to Iowa soon. A trip I will have to make, as a job may have come available down there. But there it is. If you would like to rob me, you now know how much I would be able to offer you.
I understand a huge difference resides between the importance of Gideon's story and my own. One deals with the safety of a nation. And God's glory through her. The other story deals with one man's trying to survive. One very small man. And God's glory through his story. God loves that one small man. And I used Gideon's story to begin, only because in a much smaller way, I too have had my comfort and safety sifted. Whittled. And God wants me to trust Him. With whatever I have left. And so I must. Even if I must walk everywhere. And eat wild berries from the side of the road. And pee in the woods (which I had been doing while living on the bus). I will strive to trust.
It is one of my biggest weaknesses right now. Trusting. I have been awful at it. And that may well be why God keeps whittling. Why my funds are being sifted. Because they do not belong to me. They never did. They have always been His. And He wants me to understand that and trust Him, to which they belong. He can do whatever He may please.
He still deserves the glory. He must have it. No matter what we do. God is glorified. It is the joy of the LORD that His creation should bring Him glory. He doesn't need it from us. He is awesome, incredible, perfect, loving, compassionate, good, and a host of other words which fail to all-encompass Him. But I want Him to be glorified through my little life. My small existence. If I am not, God will simply get it from somewhere else. For He may cause the very rocks to cry out His name!
Amen.
There it is. Gideon's $1.29.

Only A Chunk -- What The Junk?!

Here is a funny statement.
We all use it.
"I have too much to do to find time for God."
I have made that excuse. Last year, while working at Trinity Reformed Church, I had a scheduled time each work day for my devotions saved to my Microsoft Outlook. 8:45 each day a little reminder would pop up on my screen telling me I had fifteen minutes until I should start my time with God. Guess what. I almost never did them.
As if God is something for which to make time. I need to make time for God like I need to make time to practice soccer? I really don't think it works that way. God is God. It isn't about "making time for Him" -- penciling Him into our faulting little schedules. He demands our obedience. He desires our worship. Listen to Jesus stark words to His disciples:
"If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will find it. What good will it be for a man if he gains the whole world, yet forfeits his soul? Or what can a man give in exchange for his soul? For the Son of Man is going to come in his Father's glory with his angels, and then he will reward each person according to what he has done. I tell you the truth, some who are standing here will not taste death before they see the Son of Man coming in his kingdom." -- Matthew 16:24-28.
Hey you, God desires all of you. Hey me, God desires all of me.
Or nothing.
Not one chunk of your life.
We do a great job of saying things like: "Oh, I will spend one-hour today reading my Bible; 30 minutes in prayer; and spend 2 hours this week volunteering at a local shelter." We break our lives up into two time categories.
Our time.
God time.
It doesn't work that way. It never did. Jesus never said give me an hour a day. Give me a piece of your heart. Give me a part of your focus. Give me half an effort. Jesus said instead: "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me." This happens every day. Or at least that is what He demands. He wants all of you every day. Not all of you for one day each week... and then the rest are yours. Not an hour here and an hour there. He wants all or nothing. And it is a matter of life and death what we choose.
He demands our obedience. He is Lord. We don't talk about that reality anymore. The reality that He is Lord. This does actually mean something for our lives. It involves more than going to church once on Sunday morning. Or Saturday night. Or Wednesday night. Or to your elders meeting. Or showing up to take the offering and then heading out. In fact, it has very little to do with what we have created to be "church" today. Jesus' way of life involves everything. Literally. Everything.
It even extends beyond: "I have accepted Jesus into my heart." We are talking about the God of the universe. The Creator of all things. Man. Animals. Earth. Sky. Stars. Doesn't He deserve more than just acceptance into our life? I know He demands more than just acceptance. He made that very clear. Over and over. He doesn't just want you to think well of Him. He wants you to give up your life for Him. You cannot have it both ways.
When talking about man's tendency towards seeking after the things of this life: i.e. money -- Jesus said that you cannot serve both God and money. You cannot have it both ways. He wants your dependence. Your will. Your focus. Your drive. Your time. Your heart. Your desires. Your life. And the end result is simple. Either you obey Him and seek after Him and trust Him and allow Him to continue working on your heart. Or He sends you home. Sad because you thought you already had it all.

Words only go so far. I wanted to present to you the truth. And now it is in your playing field.
And in mine.

Bye Bye Blue Bird

Moving day.
After 3 months, to the day, in the bus, I am moving on.
At least for right now, a friend is letting me crash at his apartment. On his couch. Not far from his lizard, Wadi. The thing has a wicked tail with spikes. Yikes!
I cannot believe that I am leaving the bus already. I will miss it greatly. But I am excited for what is next. Whatever that may be.
Oh, one of the issues here in Duluth has been trying to find a job. I have applied all over the city and over the 3 months nothing much has happened. The one job I thought I had, began right as I had a fight with Lyme's Disease and was unsure how long the healing process would take.
But...
I have an interview this coming Monday at a group home for mentally challenged adults called, Our Place. I believe they are looking for a live-in. Someone who lives on-site and works on-call throughout the night. They provide housing, food, and a small monthly stipend. It would be great if this works out. Please pray that it does.
Next Tuesday, I will be heading to Fern, IA, to house sit for my parents while they are in New Orleans picking up my sister.
Just wanted to offer a quick update on my journey. I have much more to write, but it will have to wait a little. I had started a long blog a few days ago regarding a fun week and weekend trip Jenna and I had, but have not been able to finish it. Soon hopefully.
Thanks for reading.
Talk soon.

Little One

Dear Little One,

Let me begin by welcoming you to a whole new world. The one you just left was warm, safe, small, and all about you. All of that is about to change. You will be cold. You don't just get food anytime you need it anymore. You'll have to get someone's attention if you want any of that now. Same if you get thirsty. Don't expect a quick drink anytime you want one. You'll have to let someone know you're feeling parched. Don't worry. You'll quickly learn how to get their attention. And hopefully, if they are any good at their role, they will learn for what you're asking. Breathing will be a little different. There will be times when you must fight for your air. Keep your chin up, little one. Things are definitely changing. It's ok. You'll be glad things changed soon. Life would have gotten a little cramped for you otherwise. This is all part of a greater plan for you. And no matter what kind of parents I have given you, know that I love you very very much. You are special to me. If you look to me, I will take care of you. It is I, who created you and wanted you to live. Many mommy's and daddy's will not know I had a role in your creation. They will not understand what I have given to you. But here is our little secret: You are even more than the body and mind you are about to explore.

I chose this very moment for you. Someday you might have the opportunity to learn about history and see just how I've been at work over the last few thousand years. I looked out throughout time, little one, and wanted you to be born right when you did. There was nothing anyone could have done to stop it. You are my plan. My purpose. My most beautiful creation. Everything about you is incredible. And even though it will get harder every day, do not forget these things! They will not change when you're older like your mommy or your mommy's mommy. Do not forget! There is much beneath your skin that I have made work even without your knowledge. Don't worry about these things; they will continue to function as long as I desire them to. It's another wonderful way that I have given you a purpose. You are alive for however long I have chosen for you. Your life is in my hands. You are so special. I am excited about you to be here with me.

Open your little eyes. This world is much bigger. So many new things to see and touch and smell. Only my hand could have done over the last 9-months what just took place. You. Use these next couple years to enjoy learning about this whole new world. I have given you five senses. Taste. Touch. Smell. Sight. Hearing. I think you will take great delight in them. Soak up the experiences. You will enjoy a vast bounty of tastes. Juicy, sweet fruits will make your tongue feel as if it was dancing in the rain (and you will learn the joy of this someday too). Fresh, warm bread melting in your mouth. Cheeses. Meats. Nuts. Oh, and I cannot wait till the day you first try ice cream! You will learn very quickly that your entire body is covered with something called "feeling." Explore. You will appreciate this sense very much. Carpet. Grass. Hard. Soft. Rough. Smooth. Warm. Cold. I created it that your "feeling" is most stirred by the skin of another person. This was one of my greatest creations. You will need it the rest of your life. You will find that I have given almost everything its own unique smell. Enjoy them. Flowers are one of my favorites. I hope you like them too. Someday, you might be sitting in a room, typing on a computer, and you will smell the most pleasant smell coming from another room altogether: A cake baking! Oh the excitement! Little one, I have given you two eyes. With these, you will soon learn just how big the world really is. Everything has its own shape. I love variety. You will soon see. You will see that I am quite the painter. I absolutely adore color and have used it everywhere. This I have done simply for your enjoyment. Just wait till you see your first sunset. Breathtaking! Reds. Blues. Yellows. Greens. Oranges. Purples. Pinks. Blacks. Browns. Whites. Color will play a very big role in the world I am bringing you into. Just remember this, little one, all colors come from me and none is better than the next. Take in everything that you see. And remember who made it. I am about beauty. You will see. Oh the beauty of everything. Haha! Get's me excited. Just understand however, some things you see you will not like. This is where it gets hard. You must be very careful what you see. If you're not, you will only be letting more pain into your life. I will help you with this one, if you ask. Last but not least, little one, I am about to show you the full sense of hearing. You have been hearing things for awhile now. Muffled sounds. People talking to you. Maybe you heard a song or two. It gets sweeter. Various things in the world you're entering give off all kinds of sounds. Some sounds you will enjoy. Some you will not. Oh, I do hope you enjoy music. Anything can be used to make music. Music has a very special place in this world. Oh, I do enjoy when people use music for me! If you get to make music, little one, will you make it for me? Oh please do! It makes me smile to hear my little ones making music. But just like sight, this one can be used for bad too. So be careful what you hear. Unfortunately, you will find that it is through hearing that people hurt each other the most. Just be careful, little one. I created these five senses for your enjoyment and to help you learn about me and about how I made you. Be careful with all of it. And do not forget where it came from. Through these five senses, many people who do not know me have hurt the world and continue to hurt the world. It is not an easy thing, growing up in this world. You will need me every step of the way.

And now I have called you out. Out of safety. Out of warmth. And into my plan for you. Listen very closely, little one, for I am about to speak something into your precious little ears: The world I am calling you out into will not be a safe place. You will feel hurt. You will scrap your knee many times. You will feel heat and burn your skin. Bugs will bite you. You will be afraid of them. Bees will sting. You'll cringe at the sound of their little bodies in flight. There will be one which moves slowly around on eight legs. The sight of these will make your body freeze in fear. But remember this quick tip: shoes work great! Oh, you'll learn about shoes soon enough, little one. There are bigger things than just bugs that you'll fear too. Things of all shapes and sizes. Animals with many sharp teeth. Big things that move fast. Scary noises. And as you grow, even thoughts in your mind will send terror through your little body. Do not be afraid. There are many things that you could be afraid of, but pay them no attention. Because I am going to be there right beside you. Do not forget, you will need me every step of the way.

I do believe it is time for me to introduce myself. I go by many names. I have found it difficult to express all that I am with just one name. To many people, I am simply God. I am he, yet many do not understand the meaning behind what they say. It is used too often; understood too little. You'll hear some of my names used by people for other means. Be careful how you use my names. All I want, my dear little one, is for you to understand who I am. I want you to desire me. That you may best understand me in your young, wonder-filled mind, you may call me: Cord. You understand this well. Not too long ago a cord connected your body to your mother's. This cord brought food and nutrients into your little body. It was your connection with your mother. It sustained your life. This is who I am. I am your sustaining life. I give everything you need to grow and live. I give you food, drink, breath, I gave your heart the little spark it needed to begin. I am the everlasting cord. When a person forgets who sustains their life, they die. Just as you would have died without the cord connected to your mother's body. Remember my name for the rest of your life, even after the scare has healed from the last cord being severed. I will never be severed from you. That is why I called myself the everlasting cord. I will not be cut off. The life sustaining that I offer is always yours to have, so long as you seek me for it. But remember again, little one, a life apart from their source of life is no longer a life. You will die apart from me. I am Cord. Oh little one, I am so excited to share with you all about myself.

I am your Maker. Your Crafter. I dreamed you up and put my hands to work, selecting from only the best of ingredients. I sat down in my workshop and pieced you together. I did this with all of creation. Because the story is bigger than just you. It began long ago. In a garden. The most beautiful garden ever made. Oh little one, I do hope you enjoy this story. It is my favorite.

It was long ago. In the beginning. The beginning of all things. Except for me. I was before the beginning. The earth was not yet formed. I stepped into the picture. Sitting down at my design table, I thought up every nook and cranny that I wanted created. I wrote down all the words I wanted to speak.

I opened my mouth. Words came flying out. My words became light where no light had existed. Flame ate up the darkness, forcing a distinctive line between where light and dark would now live. I stopped what I was doing and looked, staring at what I had just done and liked it very much. This was the first day I recorded. The first day of days. Time began right here.

The next day, speaking again, the words became sky shooting from every corner of my mouth. I had this perfect design for water above and water below and needed to separate them. My words went out and pushed a space between the two waters – waters above and waters below. I liked my design. This was the second day I recorded.

The third day, speaking again, my words went out from my mouth in power and became land. The water below I knew should be nicely complemented by dry ground. And so my words did as I instructed them. I now had water and land below. It was perfect. But I wasn't finished. I had more planned for this day. My words continued to come out from my mouth and now on this dry ground came green plants of many kinds, each with the capability of producing more of their own very kinds. It was wonderful. Live plants that would keep producing and growing. Trees, bushes, flowers, shrubs – all beautiful and perfect. I very much liked what I had just created. This was the third day I recorded.

The fourth day, I opened my mouth and out came sources for the light from the first day. I wanted to separate the light from the darkness into timeframes – a light for the day and a light for the night. By this day and night, all time would be measured – hours, days, weeks, months, and years – and also four seasons would have rules to instruct them. A large ball of fire came shooting from my mouth. I called this ball of fire the sun and gave it strict instructions to give off light during what would be the day. Also, the moon, not as bright as the sun, came shooting from my mouth and would be my light for the night. I set these, sun and moon and also stars, in the sky from the second day. Oh, how I liked how it was all coming along so perfectly. This was the fourth day I recorded.

The fifth day, I opened my mouth and from it came fish and birds of all kinds. Wonderful, colorful fish of all kinds came shooting from my mouth and into the water below, filling it. Also, perfect, graceful flying creatures called birds came shooting from my mouth to fill the sky with their image. I told all these fish and birds, continue to make more of yourself – lots and lots more! Never stop. And they won't. They are always making more. It's beautiful. I am so excited about what I have made today. This was the fifth day I recorded.

The sixth day, oh how I love telling about the sixth day, I opened my mouth and the words became animals of all kinds on the ground. So many animals everywhere! And so many different kinds. Big animals, small animals, furry animals, smooth-skinned animals, blue animals, red animals, black animals, white animals, animals with 2-legs, 4-legs, and even no legs. Oh, how I love variety. Then I opened my mouth again and the words became a man. This creation was special to me. There was something extraordinary I had planned for this one. I put pieces of myself into the man – hardwired it into his craftsmanship so that he could not rid himself of its existence. After some time passed, I made the man fall asleep – it wasn't hard since he'd been busy giving names to all my other creation – and then I took a bone from his chest to make a very special helper, a beautiful woman to walk beside the man and to compliment who I had made him to be. I finished by telling the man and woman to have more of their kinds. Lots more. And then we walked. I walked with the man and woman and placed them in the most beautiful part of my creation, a garden called Eden. I looked out over everything I created and it was very good. I like it all, but especially the man and the woman. This was the sixth day I recorded.

The seventh day, I planned that no more words would come from my mouth. I laid down on my couch to rest from all my work in creating the world and everything my words went out to do. This was a special day and would be forever more. The day when I rested.

You understand rest, don't you little one? You love sleep. I designed your body to need lots of sleep right now. It has been a long day. I will let you rest now. But tomorrow, I will tell you more about myself and how much I love you. And I do. I do love you, little one. Do not forget. I made you – spoke you into existence just like man and woman when I created the world. You are special just like them too. And I love you. Your Cord loves you and wants you to rest now. Goodnight, little one.

Goodnight.

Grace Like Shampoo.

Saturday night. Jenna and I were to my home in Iowa, visiting my family. My sister Victoria and I were up watching an Alfred Hitchcock movie. It was around midnight.
Chara, my families dog, was barking to be let in. She is a black with white belly Britney Spaniel and Lab mix. Almost 11-years old. If she was a high school guy, she would fit right in with her shaggy fur and slightly curled up tail. Weighs around 60 pounds. Head comes to your waist, maybe a little above. She has been a huge part of our family since we got her as a pup. Very devoted dog. The sort that you can let off a leash and are assured she won't run away screaming. Victoria got up to let her in.
Oh the night we were about to find ourselves in the midst of.

Toria, as we call her, came into the living room where I was sitting, waiting for the commercials to stop their jabber, and said with a slightly distressed, slightly confused look on her face: "Chara is drooling from both sides of her mouth."
"What?" I asked.
"Chara has lots of drool running from both sides of her mouth."
"Ok. Well, let her in and we'll see why."
Just so you know right now, we never figured out why she had such drool coming from her mouth. But she was right because it was as if the fountain of youth had found its way through her insides and out her mouth.
But the story continues...
The moment that hound entered the house, I felt some terrorist group proclaiming war against my nose. Chara came in stinking. She smelled awful. The odor filled the house immediately.
Since it was my parent's house, I did the only thing I knew to do which was wake them. This began the long part of the night, as the three of us -- Toria, my mother, and I -- went to work trying to remove the stench. My mom tried a damp cloth and dog shampoo. Dry. Not going to work. We need more ammo. We need water.
Shower time.
So I stripped of everything but my boxers (yes, I just said my boxers... don't get your undies all in a tizzy) and beckoned Chara come into the shower with me. It was in that shower that I first began to realize the bigger picture of what this event was showering me... I mean showing me. There in the half-bath shower of my parent's main floor bathroom. With a solid fiberglass door and shower head on a hose. At 12:30am. Trying to hold my breath from the smell which was now locked up in the small space that Chara and I now occupied together. I scrubbed. Soaked. Rinsed. And scrubbed a little more. All trying to overcome the stink that Chara got herself into.
In that shower, wet and covered in clumpy black hair from Chara's coat, thoughts of God filled my mind. Thoughts that would not permit me loose until I had fought and thought and fought some more. God was taking another occasion to teach me truth. His truth. The only truth that is truth.
There are so many times we get ourselves into a stink of a situation. We wreak! We're dirty. And we don't even realize it. God has to take us by the hand and lead us into the shower with Him. We have to humble ourselves to letting Him wash our stench away. He strips down into His God-sized boxers (I don't know very well whether or not He has need of wearing boxers) and very gently and lovingly begins the cleaning process. The water runs down over us. We are a little scared and ashamed. We don't understand how we ended up in this place again. We keep our head lowered and breath very slowly, as did Chara in that shower. We figured last time would be the last time. But He just keeps washing away the odor that had so worked it's way into our heart. Grace is lathered across our souls. He works it in deep. To penetrate to the root of our thick fur, where the smell resides. The water continues to fall on us. He continues to work on our mess. A mess -- a smell -- we cannot remove ourselves. We try. Chara tried too. She came in from the outside and started rolling all over the carpet. She wanted the smell off her. So she did what she knew best to do. Roll around. But all it does is spreads. She is so very kind enough to share with everyone else. But all her rolling and rubbing doesn't do a thing. Neither does any of our own fixes. Alcohol. Drugs. Sex. The latest and greatest toy from Best Buy. A heavy paycheck. A new relationship or lover. A juicy romantic novel. A plate of french fries. Day time TV. Even our own pursuit of good health. It's us. Trying to fix and rid ourselves of our own stench. On our own. Without Him. And the carpet still stinks.
But still He remains. With such gentleness, He moves His hand across us with water pouring down to wash away the grit and grim of our sins and makes sure to rinse out well everything. Leaving no trace behind. He works in His own perfect timing. And finally, we exit the shower once again clean and smelling like some beautiful scent that the Creator of the universe could only dream up.
The stench and stink is gone. Wash away. GONE! Did you hear me? It no longer exists. What once was is now no more. No more. No more war against the nose. No more smelling like burning rubber mixed with skunk. We are free from the smell. He has made us clean.
This is grace. This is forgiveness. This is the God I am wanting to live for. Willingly jumping into the shower with us and our horrible smell of a mess we made and doing what we were powerless to do.

Grace Like Shampoo.

Who Is That Faceless Man?

What would life be like apart from facebook?
Facebook has been a huge part of my life over the last 3 years. I am glad that facebook does not publicize how much time exactly I have spent on there since my facebook "beginning." I think I might cry. Or perhaps throw my computer into Lake Superior. I don't know.

I remember being so excited to finally have it.
My college didn't have student email addresses. So for a long time I was not able to get it. But in the summer/fall of 2006 all of that changed.
And I was overjoyed. Ecstatic. Now I could be one of the cool "college twentysomethings" that were creating a life on facebook.
At my peak, I had over 600 friends.
Almost 40 photo albums were published.
600 pictures with my face tagged.
Top friends.
Bumper stickers.
I was cool.

"Too much of a good thing is... bad."
And how true that is?! I recently tried to put just a little more water into my bus' water tank. SPLASH! Bad idea. The hose and jug got backed up and water went everywhere. I learned right then and there that "too much of a good thing is... bad."
The same goes for facebook -- and anything on the internet.
I got sucked and duped into the world of "staying connected."
Like for many people, facebook was a second home for me. Whenever I felt alone or like I just needed a friend, there was facebook.
This created so many other problems for me. Depression. Frustration. Real loneliness.
Oh, how many late nights I spent wishing someone would get on to talk to.
How I would think about facebook all day long. Wondering what my friends were upto.
Looking at all the photos of fun that people were involved in and wishing I was included. Commenting on those photos just to let people know I was there.
Making groups to see how many people I could round up -- then staking my existence on the success of the group. I remember how excited I was when one of my groups -- Yeah! I'm A Hopeless Romantic -- reached 5000 people. I am a success. People love me. Yea!

Facebook is too easy.
Connection with people we care about shouldn't be this easy.
We should have to work.

So I am about to try again.
To try again to live life without facebook.
I wonder what it will be like?